MY MIRACLES PART FOUR ASKING FOR HELP

PART FOUR
  

 
  
This new help had to do with helping me realize why I chose to experience… I’m not good enough, smart enough, throw myself away, no value, pretend to be someone else. What would be the lesson? What would be the benefit. If “it” keeps repeating itself and happening over and over again, “it” ( the fear.. the choice .. the experience) is still serving you or still benefitting you in some way. Now keep in mind, I didn’t say a positive way. It could be positive but more than likely, my experience is it negative. If it’s positive, you “feel” good. If you felt good, wouldn’t you want to hang on to it instead of let it go. 

 

 

Think about this for an example: I love feeling jealous… I’m hanging on to that. I love being angry. Its makes me happy and all warm and fuzzy inside. I”m sure going to hang on to that one. It’s a conflict between yourself. Like the old cartoon of the Devil on one shoulder and the Angel on the other. Thank it for what you learn. Speaking for myself and from my own experiences, I sure don’t want to learn about being jealous again. I don’t know about you but feeling and experiencing jealousy is something I’m ready to release.

 

 

 

 

You haven’t  allowed or accepted yourself to “learn” the lesson and let go. It’s like hanging onto all the apples. Your ego is making you think Well, I might still need this, so I’m going to hang onto it for a little while longer and see how it works out and THEN I will let it go.

I have done that one alot. Re-do’s Re-do’s and MORE Re-Do’s> Just to make sure. I have a big battle and conflict going on with myself now. Yes DOUBT again. Big Old juicy apple.Writing these pages is one of the ways they help me realize what apples I’m holding on to.

 

 

 

 

Bottom line on all that I’m writing here is for most people, they HANG ON TO ALL the “apples” because the fear of not loving themselves.  Yes, Self Love. That’s the core. LOVE IS ALL THERE IS.

 

If you truly loved yourself, in their way of thinking, not yours, there wouldn’t be any “apples” to pick up. That’s what the apple orchard was about. So many apples all over the world, not just mine. We came here to experience the opposite of love, the only “error” we have made, so to speak, is we let ourselves get so involved with “drama” we forgot how to let go once we experienced the fear-based choice. We separated.

 

 

We are asleep. They are trying to help us “‘AWAKEN” This is what  “the shift” is partially about. Just helping us to remember who we really are. We are all the same. We are ONE. More on this later. I know, for some this is outrageous, unbelievable and maybe even scary. For some it will be “yeah, this is what I’m trying to find out. So, all of you hang in there. We will all be good. The world  is not going to end. No one is going to die from it.  We are going to Shift to a more loving, caring, harmonious world. They are trying to help us let go of all the negative fear that is causing so much conflict here on Earth now to make the SHIFT easier. I’m what is called a Lightworker. I’m a “helper”.  Okay enough of that for now.

 

 

 

 

 Back on point… Pretending to be someone else was yet another big fear. I made a choice when I was young that people didn’t pick me or choose me to be their girlfriend, on their team, to date me, or dance with me, or to be their friend because all these things were wrong with me. So I made the choice to be someone else. Pretend to be what they wanted me to be so I would be liked, loved, and accepted. AGAIN this was one of the reason I was guided to “choose to be like Jennifer”. It was to help me realize how I was already pretending to be someone else and it wasn’t working and it never did work for me. I changed myself so kids would like me in school and not be mean to me and pick on me. I changed to make my husband happy or avoid arguments and confrontations.  I changed so many things about myself and pretended to be something else for so long…that Me… I …who I am…. my truth….Divine Self….disappeared long ago.  Now she was angry and fighting back. Trying to find my way back home to my Divine Path.  
 
  
I was expecting them to “help me” by changing me into a different person. I wasn’t getting anywhere because (Hindsight 20/20) that isn’t how it works. That would be harm to me. If you only remember one thing from my website, remember this. It’s kinda like their motto. THE HIGHEST AND BEST GOOD TO ALL AND HARM TO DONE. ALWAYS      

 

 

 

 

 


 

        

If it’s not for the highest and best good to all and harm to none, they can’t and won’t help. They will wait patiently, attempt to help guide you to make a different choice, go a different way and then wait for you to do so. 
    

THEY WERE TRYING TO TEACH ME TO LOVE MYSELF. LOVE IS ALL THERE IS. IT STARTS WITH LOVING YOURSELF. Harm to none, including yourself.
           

I was a whole big mess for them to unravel. Just another layer, trying to reach the CORE of the original choice or issue. And to add insult to injury, just to make it even harder for them, I wasn’t even helping them to help me. I was running as fast as I could in full survival gear, the wrong way,  blinders on and ear plugs in, wrong path for my desires. There was no stopping me now. I wouldn’t even slow down long enough to HEAR what they had to say, let alone LISTEN to their guidance. Another example of the help you get, isn’t the help you think you are going to receive. 
  
Holy realization and releasing. But they did.  I asked them to help me. Remember the part about help isn’t what you think it is? My choice to be like Jennifer stopped all my progress. I was doing great. Moving right along and then it was like a door slammed in my face. Yet another choice I made…to never be satisfied because then I would keep on trying and that would make me smart. Nothing worked. No progress. No forward motion. It was “Okay, what the heck is going on now”?  
  
          

That was a big “help me, Jennifer” and as always, Jennifer came to my rescue. She just knew. No phone call to her. Nothing she just called me out of the blue. Or so I thought at the time. When “they couldn’t get me to slow down or listen to them they contact Jennifer, give her the run down on what is going on with me and she “rescues me’. I highly recommend Jennifer. I would not be where I am today if not for her. She has helped me realize my potential and opened doors that I have absolutely no doubt, would have remained closed permanently if she had not intervened into my life.         

 I love you Jennifer my friend, my teacher, my coach. Not to take away from the many other people in my life, that have helped me become the person I am today and step into the next chapter of my life’s purpose. I have great gratitude for all of you. But if it wasn’t for Jennifer, I would never have came into contact with all of you who have enhanced my life today. I love you all and you know who you are. Thank you from my heart.
  
 
  
 
  
Remember when you ask for help, it usually happens very fast. Step outside the box and ask yourself okay I’m feeling____ whatever your experiencing… Impatience for example. What thoughts are popping into your head? Usually something that makes you think, “Wow, I haven’t thought about that in years or Wow, I forgot all about that. I love it when they WOW ME.  It’s validating that Yes they are here. (DOUBT AGAIN LOL) That’s the help. They are trying to help you remember what or why something happened to make you make a choice to be impatient. This is “peeling the layers off” to get to the core. Like peeling an onion. They show me that I was a huge ball of tangled up string, super glued together. I wasn’t letting go of anything. They make me laugh because it’s so true. Those of you who are reading this that know me personally, stop laughing, you’re going to blow a brain gasket.
  
 
  
 
  
Another part was I wasn’t a good Mother to my children when they were young.  Those fears were still attached to me and I wouldn’t do it the easy way and let go. The old “prove it to me” kicked in. Sometimes “old fears just sneak back up on you. Which was creating issues of anger, guilt, blame, self worth, failure, unforgiveness and a long endless list of me. Talk about deep in S__T. The crap was flowing like white water rafting down a river. Hold on tight because I was in for a rough ride. This was the help. So prepare yourself.
  
 
  
 
  
They help you realize and release these issues. Empty out and clear “old useless energy and patterns of “I don’t need to experience this anymore fears”. I have mastered this fear. Which allows room to experience the new. I wouldn’t let go of the old. So what happens to me, they bring all the events, fears, and issues connected to it, to the surface (top of the cup) so you can acknowledge how you benefited from it, what did you learn from it, accept it, love it,  appreciate what you learned from the experience and then release it. But what I did and most people do is resist it and give it more power which creates more of what you are trying to get rid of, which in turns creates more SH_T. When you notice that it is getting worse STOP! Get outside the box and pay attention. If you don’t…. you get the big reality “slap” upside your head. It is unpleasant and it’s also the hard way to get help.
  
 
  
 
  
This is how you get outside the box. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Listen to your signs of help. Start Here. First you have to go to the source that created the issue/experience that created the fear. What happened in your life, at a particular point of time that made you “create” the issue or experience” which is defined as a fear. Fear can be anything from hatred, greed, guilt, control, lack of self worth, lack of self love, failure, untrusting… the list is endless.
  
 
  
 
  
They had their hands full with this one. I had blame, anger and an endless list of fears concerning my mother. She was in my opinion, a horrible Mother and I didn’t want to be anything like her. I continually reinforced that choice. That creates constant resistance and made me create even more fear. Long process of releasing. Still working on that one. Then forgiveness. That’s a big one for me. Have to realize it first. They help you do that by remembering an event or circumstance in your life that created the “fear they are trying to help you release. They kept showing Steven and the car  from 1989.
  
 
  
 
  
 
  
They start with the baby steps. Steven calling more than usual. This particular day he called to tell me how Archangel Michael had help him find his driver’s license and his girlfriend’s cell phone. Puzzle piece. I didn’t get it. Still not paying attention. Yet another choice I made. I have had focus issues in the past.
  
 
  
 
  
Next, just random thought of things that happened in my life that made me think, my Mother did that or that’s just like her. I won’t ever do that. Reinforcement. I’m a good Mom now. Resistance. I didn’t really believe that. That’s when all the thoughts came about all the mistakes I made with my children and how I wanted to release all of that so I could concentrate on being a good Mom now.  I was confused. Hadn’t we already gone down this list? I had released alot of this stuff months ago.
  
 
  
 
  
I just went with the flow. No arguing. I wanted to get this over with. Yet another choice that created and attached to impatience. Big deal for me. Go as fast as you can get it over with so I can get to next which had created not ever being satisfied. This was a really, really, big release. So I was mentally going down my list of “major screw ups and Steven just kept popping in my head. I really had a lot of guilt issues about Steven. I was in two abusive marriages, mentally and physically. The boys (I have two) receive what my husband at the time called spankings, better known to other people as beatings. I felt guilty because I couldn’t find a way to stop it. I didn’t protect them. I should have done something more. I should have found a way out sooner.  If I wasn’t so stupid, I could find an answer.  If I wasn’t so stupid I could find the answer. Try harder. This choice took me to research, be thorough, doubt it, do it again, don’t trust yourself. Never stop until you find the answer. Try harder! Work faster! APPLES! APPLES! AND AAHHH MORE APPLES!
  
 
  
 
  
My oldest son, was in actuality, my step son, but I never thought of him that way. He was just my son. He got the worse of the beatings. When I would try to intervene, it was “he’s my son and I’ll discipline him any way I choose. It got so bad I packed up the youngest two, and left.  Went into hiding. My oldest daughter was already out of the home. I couldn’t take Jerry (my stepson) with me because I was going across state lines. That would be kidnapping. I left Ohio and went to Kentucky, and stayed with my best friend Shirley, for a couple of weeks. I called my old boss. He gave me back my old job, plenty of money and a place to live. The guilt about leaving Jerry behind and sacrificing him was too much. I couldn’t take it. I went back out of guilt.  Yet another choice, I have to be punished until I get it right. Sacrifice myself, not the children. Save the children. Oh you bad, bad Mother. Your’e  worthless. Yet, another choice to save and rescue everything, but myself. I just couldn’t leave him there to fend for himself. Oh, what a horrible mother I was. I just gave up, ran away and abandoned him. I should have tried harder. This just reinforced my choices to never give up, never be satisfied, must be stupid, can’t find the answer, try harder. This is just some of the S__T in my cup and only parts of ways it was created. See what I mean but big huge tangled of mess. They are so loving and patience. If one way doesn’t work, they will find one that does. So just keep trying. The Angels always do.
  
 
If you find yourself not understanding “the Help”, ask them to try something else. But keep in mind, my experience is its get more intense and unpleasant as you go. They start with the easiest way first and work their way up the ladder so to speak. Sometimes it’s a very hard climb. That is why the song was inspired for Miley Cyrus, the Climb. It is on my music player on the home page, to help people understand the difference between ” the journey” and “the climb”.
 
  
 
  
After I went back home, things were better. We did the family counseling and my husband, at that time, quit drinking.  Regardless of all that, I had major issues about not being good mother. They were all surfacing now. If I was a good mother, they wouldn’t be making all the mistakes and suffering and struggling with their life. It was all my fault. I was a failure. Had to fix this. Had to rescue them. See how it’s all tangled up. They “peel” it off in layers. Then when you think you got it, you find that choice was attached to something else. More realizing and releasing.
  
 
  
 
  
I mentally beat myself up on a daily basis, so my Angels had a lot of work to do on me. I continued to “experience the choice”  instead of stepping outside the box and realizing how did it benefit me. It kept getting worse instead of better. (that’s the help)But I was determined to find the answer to this. Yet another puzzle piece. I went through the major issues  and was ready to “just screw it”.  ” I QUIT” . THE HELL WITH YOU. I DON’T NEED YOUR FRICKING HELP. I didn’t realize this was the “help”.  SURPRISE! (this, to me is the unpleasant part of help) I’m never going to be good enough so just give up and quit. I had myself a little temper tantrum, literally, told them off, thanks for your fricking  help.!” Should have known better than to think I was good enough to get help. 
  
          

 Okay now having said all of this I’m going to switch gears here for a moment… I started this page in January of 2010. It is now July 2011 . This writing has been sitting dormant all this time. Without going into a lot of detail, last night was extremely difficult evening at my home. I was shocked by some personal family events that unfolded at my home. I was shocked and surprised is an understatement. I was screaming at them for help Where are you! I need you! Help me with this! They just kept saying we are here, everything will be okay. I just keep screaming at them Do Something! PLEASE! PLEASE!  Do something. Their response was we are. Stay close to Steven. We are taking care of everything.         

  
Everything is happening just the way it has to play out. Have faith and trust us. I wasn’t doing well with that concept.  Things went from bad to worse and the whole this is my fault I’m just a bad mother reared it ugly head. That was about 24 hours ago and I’ve been asking for help. They brought me to this page that I am  writing now.          

All the bells and whistles started going off. Everything fell in to place. They are so amazing. I now know what this page laid dormant for so long. It was to help me get through the events of last night plus the repercussions that are going to follow the events and how and what to do and say to have the outcome I desire. I am truly blessed. I positively guaranteed you that was not my thought process a few hours ago.  Most of my day has been spent crying and trying to figure out “what went wrong”? How did this escalate so far out of control and violent. It truly was like re-living my life 25 years ago with different players in the role of my life. A life I wouldn’t want anyone to re-live and it was playing out right in front of me and I couldn’t stop it. Lesson: It not for me to stop. It wasn’t my choice for it to happen. I couldn’t CONTROL it. It was each individual involved experiencing their choices. I was trying to stop, change and control them. That’s why they couldn’t help or stop it.         

My lesson was every single person on this planet is only responsible for themselves.  I can’t stop or change someone else or their choices. I’m only responsible for HOW I choose to react or allow their choices to affect me. My response to their actions. That’s why when someone tries to change someone else whether it their behavior or looks or whatever… it never turns out well in the end. It not for us to do. We our interfering with someone else’s free choice/free will. Again, this is why they didn’t intervene in my behalf. I asked for help but didn’t allow or realize it was happening right in front of me. I couldn’t see it for the help it was. It didn’t LOOK like what I thought help was. And yes, I was quite angry with them about that. The end results was it was a major clearing out of old energy and old patterns that don’t fit in with my divine purpose of my true authentic self. I was really hanging on to this one.         

I’ve cried most of the day. I was just kinda of lost and then the song by Rascal Flatts came on “I won’t let go” which made me  step out of the box and ask them for help.  I really feel like I was in a storm. When the words come through “I’ll dry your tears, that did it. I calmed down, pull myself up and asked what are you trying to teach me!  It feels like my whole world is crumbling right in front of me. I can’t make it stop. WTF is going on here. Their answer was go to my website. They lead me to this page to read. I said it felt like my world was crumbling around me and they said exactly! Let it all fall down. Drop the apples. You don’t need any of that old energy anymore LET IT GO! ALL of it! Guilt, control, anger, doubt, all of it. I was literally running around trying to hang on to everything. I couldn’t stop it.           

Many lessons for myself have just been learned and release. Their answer: One lesson was: have faith and trust us. It has to be this way .  Everyone is responsible only for themselves and their actions. You are only responsible for yourself and HOW YOU REACT to others people choices. It’s their life! You are not responsible for them. It has nothing to do with if you are, have been, will be a good Mother. NOTHING to do with it. But, But, But,. No buts! It’s DONE. LET IT GO NOW! So I did. I gave them the apple.

 

 Whew!! I’m so glad this one is over. I got it! I finally got it! This just happened right now as I’m writing this. This is how they got my attention. BING BAM BOOM THAT FAST.         

One of the biggest parts of this lesson of last night (and there were many)LESSON WAS  I AM A GOOD MOTHER. My CHILDREN MAKE THEIR OWN CHOICES TO EXPERINCE THEIR OWN LIVES. It’s no one’s fault. All the blame, guilt and anger were flying all over the place last night. My lesson from my Angels and Light Beings: let them( and all who come to you) learn from their choices. Be the teacher and teach them how to release, let go, and appreciate the lesson as you are teaching the people reading this site. YOU are only responsible for how You react to someone else’s choice. YOU cannot control their choice. YOU cannot change them or their choice. Only THEY can change their choice. FREE WILL. You were experiencing I’m just a bad mother. You were experiencing sacrificing yourself, being the martyr. You were experiencing unforgiveness and much more. All your choices are at the top of your CUP. LET IT GO. This is why this is happening. It was like DEJA VU. They were teaching me to be the teacher. To be and to do what I’m trying to teach all who is reading this now. I love my life. ALL IS WELL TO ALL WHO COME. BE THE TEACHER. TEACH THEM (MY CHILDREN) THE LESSON AND HOW TO LET IT GO. I let myself get caught up in the drama. I let myself fall back into saving the world instead of experiencing the life.        

          

CELEBRATE  IT….LIVE  IT….. BE IT ….LOVE IT … 

 

aahhh LIFE!!        

 

ALWAYS        

 

NAMASTE

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